It’s been nearly six years since I’ve sat in a fertility clinic, feeling hopeful and fearful at the same time. If you or someone close to you is struggling with infertility, my heart breaks for you. I have known the disappointment and uncertainty.
After three failed IUI’s (intrauterine insemination), and four failed IVFs (in vitro fertilization) procedures, I walked away with two thoughts:
- If I’d had any idea it would be this hard for me to get pregnant, I would have had a lot more fun in college.
- It was more important for me to become a mother than to get pregnant. I would have a family, even if it came about in a way different from what I had dreamed.
Throughout the infertility process, I tried to make light of things. That worked until the day a close friend chose not to share her pregnancy with me until she couldn’t avoid hiding it from me anymore.
I understand now that watching someone you care for struggle with infertility is also a deeply emotional experience. She may remain a very dear friend, but our relationship has been forever changed. The only thing more heartbreaking than infertility is when friends treat you as being fundamentally different because of your battle.
What to expect if your BFF is not expecting:
- Don’t put a rosy spin on things. Hey Sally Sunshine, while I admire your positive energy, don’t tell her to “relax.” Don’t try to reassure her “it will happen,” unless you have a medical degree and are able to see into the future. Please, please, don’t tell her “there are worse things.” Each month she’s hopeful, and each month she receives the news she doesn’t want. It’s like a wound re-opening just as it starts to heal–over and over.
- Please don’t share the infertility or adoption journeys of others unless she asks. While she may be glad that your coworker’s neighbor tried for years to conceive, and then did once she “stopped trying,” you cannot begin to understand her emotional toll. Don’t compare her experience to someone else’s. Everyone’s journey is different. If she decides to explore adoption, it’s her choice, not a good choice because it was the right solution for someone else.
- Don’t complain about your baby or being pregnant. Not every aspect of pregnancy and parenting is bliss. You’re entitled to be tired, frustrated, and grumpy. But trust me, she’d do anything for your swollen ankles and sleepless nights.
- Do be supportive and let her know you care. Let her know that that you’re there to drive her to appointments, help with a hormone injection, or simply listen when things get extra tough. If you know she’s shouldering the dreaded “2WW ” ( the two-week wait to see if an insemination procedure was successful), ask if she wants to share a meal or join you for a pedicure.
- Tell her if you are expecting. After all, she is your BFF. Never, ever hide your pregnancy. Even if she has a hard time processing the news, deep down she will be happy for you. If you are concerned your pregnancy will be difficult for her to digest, consider sending her an email. Explain that you want her to be one of the first to know. Convey that you don’t want her to feel awkward hearing the pregnancy announcement in-person. Allow her to digest your news on her own terms.
- Expect that infertility may be a long road for her, and accept that she may need to hold you at arms-length if you are expecting. Most of all, have trust that your friendship can and will weather the pain of infertility, and you’ll both come out stronger on the other side.
