One of the first thoughts I had when I found out I was pregnant with my son was, “I’m definitely going to breastfeed my baby.” Without hesitation, I just knew I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted that intimate and special bond. I wanted the relationship with him that no one else could provide, and breastfeeding was the answer.
Almost immediately, I began to research how to increase and maintain a strong milk supply. My goal was to breastfeed him for his first 12 months, despite having to return to work after maternity leave. I would get my breast pump from my insurance company, and when I returned to work, I would pump every two hours during the day. I bought nursing friendly clothes and received a nursing pillow as a baby shower gift. My husband ordered brewers yeast off of Amazon for me, and we stocked up on so many cases of water I could have filled a small lake.
And so began my breastfeeding journey.
Three weeks and one day before my due date, my son was born. He was considered a preemie because of that one extra day. From his first feeding, he struggled with latching. It felt like weeks before my milk supply came in when, in reality, it only took four days. I met with multiple lactation consultants, I spent countless hours researching online about breastfeeding and latching issues. I tried finding comfortable positions, different shields, pumping and using a supplementing nursing system. I spent hours a day skin-to-skin. I remember crying the first time he latched about three weeks after we came home from the hospital and thinking, “my hard work is paying off, this is what it’s supposed to be like.”
We had been supplementing with some formula because he needed to gain weigh. I was breastfeeding and pumping, and pumping, and pumping, and pumping. I didn’t go grocery shopping because I wanted to spend time pumping to try and increase my milk supply.We ordered takeout for dinner because I wanted to pump and not waste time cooking. I didn’t go out to dinner with my husband because I wanted to pump. We didn’t visit friends or family because I wanted to pump. I wanted to provide for my baby.
I felt like a failure.
What kind of mother can’t produce enough milk for her baby? I cried at night, and I cried while pumping, I cried in the shower. I cried while I nursed my baby because I knew my supply wouldn’t be enough for him. But I wanted to tough it out because I wanted that bond with him, I wanted to feel connected to him.
When I returned to work after my maternity leave, my supply fell even more. I would pump three to four times during the day, and come home with two ounces–not even enough milk for one meal for him. I had anxiety from returning to work and leaving him, and was angry at myself for producing almost no milk. I felt like a horrible mother because when I came home I worried about nursing, and I didn’t have enough milk for him. I was a wreck and felt overwhelmed. I felt like I wasn’t able to enjoy my time spent with my son. So, when he cried, I cried.
My supply continued to decrease more and more every day, and I worried about it even more. It was a vicious cycle.
At seven months old, I decided to stop breastfeeding my baby. It was the best decision I have made as a mother yet.
Now when I come home, he smiles at me the second I walk through the door. He screeches and reaches out for me to take him into my arms. We play with his toys, I feed him his dinner. He giggles at all the silly faces and noises that I make. I give him baths and he splashes me like crazy and we laugh together. I pick out his pajamas and he blows raspberries at me while I dress him.
The special bond that I so desperately wanted, I finally have with him, and it didn’t come from breastfeeding. It came from me letting go of everything I had built up in my head.
I was able to let go of the stress, and all the tears, and learn to just appreciate every second I have with him.
To every mom who breastfeeds, to every mom who tried breastfeeding, to every mom who wants to breastfeed: I see you. It’s not easy, and the amount of love and hard work that you put into nourishing your baby is inspiring to me. But so are the moms who had the courage to let go when it became clear that’s what needed to happen.
Thank you for sharing this. I as well had a hard time nursing my son and thought I was missing something or doing something wrong. I now know I was not missing a thing. My son just wasn’t interested. He couldn’t latch correctly and I wasn’t producing enough for him. I had great success with my daughter. Each child is different but they both still love me just the same.
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