Chances are, it will happen. Your kid will be exposed to things they’re not ready to see on their device or a friend’s. If we can’t prevent this from happening entirely, what CAN you do? You can teach your child what to do if they see porn or adult content.
There’s A LOT to say about how to support your child in these moments. Firstly, you have to talk to them about porn and other adult content they could be exposed to. So much depends on age, the content they were exposed to, if it was once or on-going, etc. There are so many variables that can’t possibly fit into this article. Yet we have to start somewhere.
If your young child or tween sees something sexual either by mistake or if someone shows it to them, give them a simple and manageable process they can follow.
Here’s an example of what to say (inspired script from Protect Young Eyes):
“Whenever you see something on the phone or iPad – and it makes you feel uncomfortable, like that weird feeling in your body that something just isn’t right, I want you to do 2 things:
“Put the device down! And tell someone!”
These steps may seem simple – and it is – but to a child who is shocked or confused over what they just saw, it’s a lifeline to action and help.
Again, make sure they KNOW for sure that they won’t get into trouble for anything they see online, no matter what, EVEN IF THEY CAN’T LOOK AWAY. It can’t be said too often.
It’s also important to reassure your child that this can happen to anyone, not just to them. This simple message can help lift them out of shame and humiliation.
The same process is not that different for your older child or teen. You want to keep the conversation proactive and encouraging, but you can share specifically WHY porn is not good for them. Having concrete information and agency will be more effective for them.
Here are some important facts on WHY porn isn’t good for a young person’s brain:
- Porn can affect the brain like a drug.
- Porn can negatively impact real connection and sex.
- Porn contributes to unhealthy cycles of stress.
- Porn can contribute to escalating behavior.
- Porn normalizes objectification.
- Porn promotes sexual violence.
They can’t unsee what they saw, so what happens AFTER my child is exposed?
Every child, family or situation is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Here are some essential strategies to keep in mind to teach your child what to do if they see porn or adult content.
> Don’t freak out. Stay calm.
You may feel angry, scared, overwhelmed or disappointed. Just put those feelings aside while you help your child through this critical moment. You don’t want to scare them off with a big, reactive response. You REALLY want them to come to you again and again should they need you. Freaking out is likely to drive them away.
> Assure your child you still love them no matter what.
Your children don’t want to disappoint you, and may fear you will stop loving them if they do something they shouldn’t (remember even for an older kid, their prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed so they may not be able to control their actions even if they know better…)
> Ask questions and be prepared to listen.
In a gentle and non-judgmental way, get more information on what they saw. Try not to make it feel like an interrogation. Slow down, avoid interrupting and refrain from criticizing or accusations. Once you have more information, be sure to check how they’re feeling. Leave lots of space to listen and answer questions.
> Based on your family dynamic, sometimes one parent in the conversation is better, so they don’t feel ganged up on.
Taking into consideration the topic and circumstances, there are times that either myself or my husband are better at talking to the kids alone. It might have to do with our different approaches or knowledge of a subject. Whatever the case may be, in a delicate moment it could be better to have one parent best suited to handle the situation.
> Encourage critical thinking.
Learning to think critically about what you consume in all forms of digital media is an important skill, especially with AI becoming more prevalent in our lives. When your child sees anything online (or in a movie, TV show, video game or advertisement) it’s important for them to understand that not everything they see is authentic and that it’s okay to question and reject the messaging they see and hear.
> Reconsider your parental controls.
It might be time to re-evaluate your router, phone settings, device access or contracts. Here is a detailed look at parental controls from Protect Young Eyes.
> Get Help if needed.
If you sense your child needs more support than what you can offer, don’t hesitate to seek assistance. Start with your school counselor or look for trauma informed therapists.
The good news is that YOU have the power to set boundaries around when your child gets their smartphone. YOU have the power to keep social media and browsers at bay until you feel your child is ready. YOU can push for your schools to keep phones turned off and away for the duration of the school day. Parents, you have the power to make choices for your children even when it is hard to swim against the current of societal expectations. Do not believe that you are helpless. It is never too late to change your mind, make new rules, roll back decisions or talk to your children about their safety, their well being and their lives. Give them tools and teach your child what to do if they see porn or adult content!
