Sons, I Am Sorry Your Mom is Bipolar

I am sorry, my sons, that I am sick. I am bipolar. 

• I am sorry that it is nothing you can see, but the type of sickness you can feel even if it is not yours.
• I am sorry that there are days where I spend my time hiding in the kitchen. I am trying to protect you from seeing my tears and anger.
• I am sorry for the days I spend sitting on the floor holding you while we both cry, and I apologize because I just yelled at you because you were there.

I am sorry that I am struggling right now.

I am sorry that one day you may fight this battle, too. That breaks my heart. I am sorry that it took me two years to figure out that I needed help; that as much as I tried to not need a doctor, I did need one. I am sorry there is no quick fix.

I am sorry that I am bipolar.

• I am sorry that some days I am super mom, while others we watch television all day and I stay in my bathrobe.
• I am sorry that sometimes I overreact to how you feel because I feel the same way myself.
• I am sorry that being bipolar makes me so self absorbed at times.
• I am sorry that this is the version of your mom you get right now.
• I am sorry that I feel sorry for things I cannot control.

I am sorry that some days it takes all the energy I have just to get out of the bed in the morning.

• I am sorry that some nights I can’t go to bed because my brain won’t shut off, so I am exhausted when you wake up.
• I am sorry that some days I start off strong then something minor trips my mania and you end up with a mess for a mom. 

I am sorry that I am in so much pain that you have to feel it, too.

• I am sorry that I take medication just to be “stable.” I am bipolar. Some days I am very sorry for that; while others I want you to know that is  my super power. It makes your mama strong, unique, creative, and compassionate.
• I am sorry for a lot of things. I have a lot of guilt right now because I know you feel my pain no matter how hard I try. Words cannot express how sorry I am for that.

In this struggle, there are things I am not sorry for.

• I am not sorry that you will learn compassion and understanding from a young age.
• I am not sorry that you will learn that even if you can’t see how someone is sick or you don’t understand that doesn’t mean they aren’t sick or need your empathy.
• I am not sorry that you will be part of changing the stereotype of mental illness, especially bipolar.
• I am not sorry that hopefully I will teach you talk about your feelings and ways to cope.

I am not sorry I am your mom.

I love you, my sons. At the beginning, end, and all the time in between of each day I will love you, kiss you, hug and adore you both. I will be there for you in anyway and all ways you need me. Will your life be conventional? Will your mom be conventional? No, never! But we will be a family filled with love, compassion, support and never ending understanding. This is my apology to you, my sons. I love you!