Where do I even begin with this topic? It’s so heavy, so painful, so time consuming, so…much. I could sit on the couch for hours replaying my days, and thinking something like this:
Which child did I neglect today?…. did they need me and I wasn’t there for them?…now they have abandonment issues…how many times did I look at my phone instead of my baby?…do they think I love my phone more than them? AHH! I’m a horrible mother!…did I let them watch too much TV today? they will grow up with no imaginations now! why did I yell today? …maybe you shouldn’t have yelled “I’m trying the best I can to make you happy!” when the baby was squawking in your face incessantly, he doesn’t understand you can’t do 20 things at the same time…BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE SIMPLE TIMES, THEY’RE SO SIMPLE!!!!!
It’s mentally exhausting and physically draining. If I let it, this guilt could be debilitating.
I’m not sure when it will end. Probably never. I wish for the absolute best for my children – by absolute, I mean completely, 100% perfect, pure, unscathed. I will always look at my children and wish for them something better, and I will admit this vulnerable truth – sometimes, I’ve thought that “something” was a better mother. I’m constantly judging my failures against their happiness.
The funny thing is though, if I were to actually do that, judge how horrible of a mother I am against how happy my boys are, I would see that I am actually a great mother. My boys are so happy, every day of their lives. Yes, they cry (sometimes, we end up crying together), they get mad at me, and they get a case of the Mondays once in a while (well, every Monday), but every single day, we smile. When they say or do something silly I ask them to do it again 20 times and we laugh so hard together. Life is more beautiful with them.
As mothers, we need to protect ourselves from these unhelpful, hurtful self-criticisms. We must believe that we are good mothers, believe that we were divinely chosen to raise our children because they need US. And we do this job brilliantly, with days that spark like fireworks and others that we would like to burn up in flames. But brilliant, nonetheless.
I’m challenging you (and me!) to shatter these chains of guilt. Every day, think about even one time that day that you and your child snuggled, or that they chose you instead of someone or something else, or that you read them a story instead of washing the dishes. Remember the smiles. The small victories. It takes just a little key of happiness to unlock those heavy chains of guilt.
Kick guilt in the a** and show yourself, show the world, show your beautiful family how proud you are to be a mama! And that you’re damn good at it.
