If you are the parent of a tween, there’s a good chance you have entered a complex phase characterized by helping them manage their digital presence. Perhaps you have a tween who chats online on a personal device and you haven’t even thought twice about it. Or maybe they’ve been involved in text bullying and you’ve already found yourself drowning in the hard stuff. Whatever side of the spectrum you’re on, we are all experiencing something in the struggle to manage our children’s digital time.
As a mother of tweens myself, I’ve come to realize that there are three different questions we are all grappling with.
1. What is my role as a parent?
2. How does this demand play into their education and technology use at school?
3. How is this constant online communication trend impacting their real-life relationships with others?
I’ve learned a lot about my role in the process of teaching my child about messaging etiquette.
Adults have fully formed brains and many years of practice with messaging. I intuitively understand when someone is trying to be funny or when they are angry or hurt. I know when to give someone space, and when to apologize. Our kids — well, they may not be there yet.
Tweens definitely don’t have the same messaging skills that adults have, yet they may end up receiving the same volume of messages. Have you ever left your device for a bit and then come back to see 56 missed messages? Just thinking about that reminds me of the anxiety I feel for a few moments after missing so much. But, I can also understand there is no emergency (hopefully) and that it’s not the end the world if I don’t answer those messages immediately. I don’t know how I would have handled that same pressure at age 13.
Did you know that something tweens struggle with most is impulse control? Sometimes messaging etiquette means that you have to practice a pause, especially when you feel wronged. Unsurprisingly, that isn’t something they are ready to do yet. A good rule to follow for kids is that you should never message or text anything to anyone that you wouldn’t want every single mom in your town to read. Texting and messaging is forever and I don’t think many kids realize that, even though they are living in a world that seems to expect them to.
I’ve also learned that it is absolutely necessary to review who my tweens have been talking to on group threads. What I’ve learned is that they don’t always tell me when something is going awry, but when they do I’m able to help them work through it to get to the best possible outcome. Kindness should always come first, even online.
2. I’ve come to question how much digital demand is placed on our young people while they are at school and how that connects to what they do at home.
Technology isn’t just around at home while the kids are chatting, it has also become the new text book. Schools use chromebooks, Google playlists, and screens to teach their students daily. A quick Google search and an AI overview will share with you that: 98% of schools use computers in the classroom; 57% of students use digital learning tools daily; 94% of public schools provide some sort of of personal computer; and 58% of teachers use educational apps in their classrooms. The education world is now questioning if this technology is really helping our children learn better.
Students in some schools are asked to submit work through educational apps, and they are expected to check assignments and grades online. It’s increasingly difficult to be an older student without a phone or personal device for this reason. On the flip side, the evidence that schools and families are looking at more “phone free” school policies is clear and on the rise. Teachers I’ve talked to, say that they are dealing with an increased problem over the last 10 years. The problem is that they are forced to deal with situations in school that are related to texting and chatting happening outside of school. Online bullying is the new juggle for Teachers, Guidance Counselors, and Administrators.
So whose responsibility is it to teach “Digital Citizenship”? Some school districts use programs like Being Internet Awesome and Common Sense Education to incorporate this into Social Emotional Learning time. Other schools and districts have not yet approached the topic. With so much digital life happening in and out of school I think that there needs to be a strong partnership between parents and schools. Like anything that is shared, we have to reach all kids and help them navigate the new challenges they are facing.
3. How is the digital demand affecting our kids — and can they handle it?
As children grow emotionally, online chatting takes away the practice that comes with looking someone in the eyes while you talk to them, and observing their body language. Because there is so much screen use in nearly every aspect of a tween’s life, I most definitely choose as much in-person friend time for my kids as possible.
Within online chats, tweens can argue and feel intensely about things in positive and negative ways. Online, they make many decisions everyday like whether to let a person into a group thread, they can exclude each other, practice the silent treatment, and even bully and weaken relationships. But, they can also make each other laugh, check in with each other and relieve loneliness, strengthen relationships, make plans, apologize, sympathize, problem solve and make decisions.
Before adding more to our children’s technology heavy days we should also be reflecting on our own example. Having time with family and friends when the technology is away is imperative. We can’t be on all the time and we can’t expect our kids to be OK living that way either. Open communication with our tweens about all the positives and negatives that go along with this demand is the only way to manage the influx of changes we are all experiencing. Parents now didn’t have this level of technology when they were growing up — so remember, we are learning alongside our kids, too. Our own example of setting limits and placing importance on kindness, mindfulness and in person connection is key to helping our tweens see the best way to show up.
