A few months ago, I found myself dreading the hours of 4-7 PM — the time at home after we pick our daughter up from daycare and before we put her to bed. It felt awful to dread the only time during the week that I get to spend with her. As I tend to do when I start to feel emotions I’m not fond of, I got curious. I carved out some time to explore this feeling. What exactly was contributing to it? My self-exploration provided me with valuable insights and an opportunity for change.
What Did I Learn?
When I allowed myself to get quiet with my thoughts, I quickly realized that the feelings of dread were actually the beginnings of resentment toward my husband. Resentment is a common emotion to have toward a partner, but it’s not one that I’ve had to work through very often. That’s why this realization felt so surprising to me.
We are a Fair Play family, which means we dedicate significant time and energy to ensuring tasks, careers, travel, leisure, and childcare feel fair. Before our daughter was born just over two years ago, we spent many hours discussing how we would divide household responsibilities. We agreed that my husband would handle weeknight meals and clean the dishes, while I would curate our weekend meals and handle both cooking and cleaning on those days. Whoever wasn’t cooking or cleaning would spend time with our daughter.
Now, our daughter is two years old, and her development is exploding. She has questions, desires, and a remarkable confidence in expressing and asking for what she wants. These qualities, while beautiful, can be exhausting to navigate for extended periods. Recognizing this has deepened my appreciation for her teachers and all educators.
In our routine, my husband cooks and cleans, which means he spends time in the kitchen: a task that allows him both to focus and regulate. It’s labor, but it’s a different kind of labor compared to caring for, playing with, and meeting the needs of a highly active toddler. I realized my resentment stemmed from wanting some of that regulated, focused time for myself each night. Once I uncovered this, I felt better instantly because I could finally address it.
What Did I Do?
As soon as I recognized the source of my frustration, I brought it up with my husband. I explained how I was feeling, what I was craving, and proposed a solution. What if he continued to prep and cook our weeknight meals, but I took over cleaning the dishes afterward?
It might sound comical to crave dishwashing, but I believed that 15 to 20 minutes of undistracted, quiet time alone would make all the difference. After dinner, he could care for, play with, and entertain our daughter while I tackled the cleanup. He was fully on board.

What Happened?
It was as if the fog lifted immediately. That 15 to 20 minutes of dishwashing time each night has been transformative. I turn on music, strap on my dishwashing gloves, and get to work. This time allows me to decompress from the day and the stimulation of parenting while my husband enjoys one-on-one time with our daughter. After I’m finished, the three of us get to enjoy time together.
I’m so glad I chose to get curious about my negative emotions rather than let them fester. My self-exploration provided me with valuable insights and an opportunity for change. We addressed the issue quickly, preventing any long-term damage. By building a plan that felt good for both of us, we restored the fairness we strive for in our partnership.