The Road To Emotional Well-Being Starts Here

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Learning how to be with and manage uncomfortable feelings is a cornerstone to emotional well-being. As we see more and more children and young adults struggling with mental health, this invaluable skill can really make a difference in the lives of our kids and our relationship with them. While we can’t avoid nor protect our children from life’s disappointments, rejection, fails, pain and loss, we can help them learn how to develop their window of tolerance so they can navigate difficult experiences and feelings in healthy ways.

The window of tolerance is a mental and emotional state than enables people to function effectively under stress. Staying within this threshold means maintaining control of your emotions and the ability to manage emotional responses without becoming overwhelmed. In other words, this is emotional regulation.

When it comes to understanding emotional regulation, I like to distinguish between being IN your feelings verses being WITH your feelings.

For example, being IN your feelings is when your child is in the throes of big reactions, having a tantrum, yelling, storming around, etc. Their bodies are hijacked by their emotions and there is no space for logic or perspective. It’s a scary time for them because they feel out of control, believe they are alone, and feel totally overwhelmed and helpless. Basically, they are out of their window of tolerance when they are dysregulated.

For small children especially it’s important to understand that this behavior is a normal and natural response to emotional upsets because they simply lack the skills to express themselves differently. We should not expect young children to be capable of emotional control because the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation — the prefrontal cortex — isn’t fully developed until our mid-late 20’s.

Being WITH your feelings is experiencing your emotions during difficult situations without denying or suppressing them, nor allowing them to overwhelm and control you or your response to them.

Teaching your child to be WITH their feelings is a learned skill that takes years to acquire. When your kids are in a big emotional space, this is the time to show them — in real time — exactly how to be with the uncomfortable feelings they are experiencing.

Of course this can be an interesting paradox for parents because when a child is out of control, behaves badly, or is experiencing emotional pain it can be a real button pusher. These are the moments we tend to slip outside our own window of tolerance and lose control, becoming reactive, over-helping or just shutting down. Our own discomfort with our child’s discomfort can perpetuate a narrow window of tolerance.

Let’s take a look at what sitting in uncomfortable feelings is NOT.

> It’s not ignoring your child when they’re visibly upset, acting out, or suffering.

> It’s not saying to a child “you’ll get over it”, “it’s not a big deal”, “calm down”.

> It’s not rushing in to fix, solve, or make the problem they can handle go away.

> It’s not pushing them to stay in friendships, situations or environments that are emotionally unhealthy, unsafe or misaligned.

> It’s not teaching them to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” by withholding love, support, guidance and encouragement when they’re in over their head.

Here are a few ways to build emotional tolerance in your child:

> Don’t rush to fix or solve a problem.

I already mentioned this above, but this is something A LOT of parents do because it’s completely normal and natural to want to immediately help your child feel better or solve an upsetting problem. But rushing in to problem solve doesn’t actually help, at least not in the long run. Here’s why:

Interrupting your child’s way through a problem by fixing it for them can send the unintended message of, “you can’t handle this” or “how you feel right now isn’t okay”.

> Listen to their woes without interruption, judgement or criticism.

If your child is upset about something that’s happening in their life, they typically just want you to listen to them vent. This is especially true with pre-teens and teens. They want your ear, rather than your opinions or advice.

When we sense that our child is hurting, we may be tempted to push them to open up. We want to know what’s going on! Some kids want to figure out their problems on their own, and this is good and healthy. Instead, try asking: “What do you need right now? For me to listen, give you a hug or give advice”?

9 times out of 10 they only want a hug or an ear to bend. 

Letting children figure out their own solutions while also letting them know that you’re there to help is empowering.

> Normalize their feelings by sharing a story about your own experience.

It can be really helpful for your child to hear a story about your own disappointment/failure/breakup/embarrassing moment.

Feelings of shame are common after experiencing rejection, failure or a mortifying moment and can swiftly wither their window of tolerance. Since shame thrives from being kept in the dark, bring it into the light by sharing a story of your own. Normalizing feelings (particularly shame) is a powerful remedy to letting them go.

> Be honest about how you handle your uncomfortable feelings.

If you want your kid to learn how to be WITH uncomfortable feelings, manage their emotions and build resilience, it’s important to pay attention to how you handle yourself in your emotional life. It’s not ONLY about staying calm and not yelling when you’re stressed!

Consider how you might deny or mask your feelings by over-working, over-eating, drinking too much, doom scrolling, not getting enough sleep, over-exercising, compulsively shopping, shutting down or disconnecting from loved ones.

So… Why is this so important?

Teaching your child how to sit with their uncomfortable feelings helps them process their emotions during difficult situations and move through them more quickly. Those with a wider threshold can manage emotions more effectively, while those with a narrower window tend to struggle with stress, emotional exhaustion, burnout, and mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Expanding this threshold improves resilience and enhances emotional well-being.

Being emotionally regulated supports better decision-making and healthier relationships. It helps them respond to stress with greater perspective and maintain stable interpersonal interactions, which is especially crucial for young people today.

Remember, the most important approach we can take to support our children (and help them develop emotional resilience) is to show them that WE can handle their big feelings. We must be the steady ship in the storm. When we remain steady and don’t try to fix, solve, or match their emotional energy by becoming reactive, we send them the critical message that that we are right there beside them as they learn to problem solve and advocate for themselves.

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For over 12 years, Joni Lane, founder of Insight Coaching for Parents, has been helping mothers navigate the shifting waters of modern child-rearing. By combining practical, down-to-earth guidance, along with self inquiry and introspection, Joni creates a meaningful template for parents to trust and strengthen their parenting wisdom. Joni holds a BA in both Anthropology and Sociology, and a Master’s Degree in Photography. For the past 20 years she has been studying Nonviolent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg, participated in numerous workshops and programs on parenting, mindfulness, ritual and facilitation, and most recently, IFS (Internal Family Systems). She received a Master Coaching Certification with Joanna Lindenbaum, founder of the Applied Depth Practitioner Institute. Joni works one-on-one with private clients, as well as holding workshops for mothers, parent groups, schools, and corporate agencies on a variety of topics such as social media, authentic cooperation and communication, the myth of perfection and more. After living in Brooklyn, New York for over 20 years, she recently moved to New Hampshire where she is happily living close to the sea and woods with her 2 children and husband.

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